What am I doing here? by Pankaj Deshwal

 I am 29 years old and for the first 25 years of my existence on Planet Earth I never asked this question to myself. Everything was well laid out engineering college, a job and then regular grind of life. It never provoke you to ask this question. But in 2010 we decided to do a motorcycle trip to Leh and after that the frequency of this question increased exponentially. Whenever you try to do something which is away from normal it makes you think.

June 2010 – Lachung-La -16600 Ft- It was 08:30 PM pitch dark a group of 4 guys standing on 16600 ft were waiting for 2 other guys who went to get puncture made 20 Kms from here for the past 3 hours. Temperature was sub-zero and my intestine got aching due to constant shivering. Glacier water started freezing on the road. I took a walk on the road to keep myself warm and in those moments of solitude I asked myself what am I doing here?? 

Mar-2011- Went for a Kayaking course to Rishikesh. My first major rapid as a beginner Three Blind Mice. We took an eddy and my instructor went ahead to see the line we have to follow. I waited for him and in those 20 secs I again thought….   But Kayaking is one sport where you think like this every morning when you prepare yourself for the expedition of the day. 

Dec-2011 – Har Ki Doon Trek – Somewhere between Taluka and Seema. It’s cold winter night temperature must somewhere around -5 Deg C. A group of 10 guys had to reach Seema. It was 7 o’clock in the evening and pitch dark. We were in the middle of jungle on a trail that is covered with ice sheets sometimes 100m at stretch. There is gushing Supin river all along the trail. We were supposed to negotiate there ice stretches without slipping and either breaking our bones or chilling our bones in the ice cold waters of Supin. On one of these stretches when I was waiting for other guys to come I again asked the same question to myself. 

Oct-2012- I was in cockpit of Cessna-172R and acting as pilot flying. My instructor asked me do a power on stall and as the plane stalled for a moment it fell like a stone and it scared the shit of me. He took control and when I came back to my senses I asked – What ……. 

Nov-2012- Went for my first Sky Dive. The instructor opened the window of a Cessna -182 at the height of 11000ft. He was sitting in the window and my legs dangling in air. He was doing some last minute check for the harness. I could feel the prop wash of hundreds of cubic feet of air on my face. I asked myself…. 

     

Aug -2013- Mantalai Trek- 3 Guys me, Vivek and Priya somewhere after Thakur Kuan. It was raining like hell. We were all alone in this wilderness. Parvati river was in full rage due to incessant rain. It looked scary. We were drenched in water to the bone. I could see a mile or two ahead along the river bank but could not see other guys from our party. The last civilization behind us was 2 days of trek away. I thought we have lost our way and it is soon going to be dark. Then again I asked myself ….

These are fraction of the situations that I found myself in and asking that question, there are many more. But the point here not telling you about the situations and bore you. The point here is whenever you try something different which is not routine, which is beyond your comfort zone and you get in a tight spot your mind start egging you with “ I told you so, its not for you, I knew you can’t do it blah blah blah “. Now there are two ways of dealing with it either stop doing it all from next time onwards which is the easiest way or deal with it broadening your horizon, make your mind think in a different way. Every activity you do which is not routine you always reach a tipping point, the point where you become a little philosophical and start asking yourself some meaningful question which you otherwise would never ask. I think that is the whole purpose of doing trekking, cycling, motorcycling or any other adventure activity. Frankly speaking we have been in a lot of shity situations  a number of time and we could walk out of them just because we had to push ourselves to think differently. And that is the greatest kick which you get by doing these things, which provokes you to come back to wilderness again and again. When I am out and don’t reach a point when I ask this Question “WHAT AM I DOIN HERE” now a days I don’t feel I have done something.